Introduction

 

I do not have a PHD in Clinical Psychology. I can't design computer software or do brain surgery. Nor can I put a man on the moon. I don't know about breast cancer or heart disease. But I know about depression, mental illness, and addiction. I know about self destruction and self medication. I know about reaching out for help in what may seem to be the extreme for a lot of people.

My options were running out. Prescription meds weren't working for me. God knows I tried. I tried it all. Therapy, counseling, cognitive therapy, self help tapes and books, religion, exercise... I inevitably became agoraphobic and the internet was my only connection to the outside world. I searched and searched for anything that would take away the demons inside my head. On the outside I looked and seemed as if I were a happy, got it together mom raising her two sons. I always put on a happy face and used my humor to deflect any suspicion that something might be wrong. On the inside I was dying and didn't know why. I wanted to die every day and didn’t know why.

One day I found the ECT clinical study program online. I voluteered for this treatment. I eventually begged for it. I kept journals during my stay in the program. They are full of raw, human emotion.

I am not the poster child for addiction or mental illness. Nor do I want to be. But it is what I know.

Inevitably, my goal is to relieve the stigma attached to the words "mental illness" and "shock therapy." Mental disorders and addiction are diseases that take the lives of many people every day just as cancer and diabetes. More lives than gun shot deaths by 3 to 1. ECT works for many, many people and is used more frequently now than ever.

I asked a lot of questions during my ECT journey. I have finally found some of the answers.

This is what I know. This is my story… Thank you for reading it.